When the word you mean to type is ‘replies’ and the word you actually type is ‘ewok,’ what does that mean? I take away two lessons:
Short help is better than no help at all, the wise man once said–well, he never met my son.
So I know my market updates are the best. I’m really going to focus on the highlights of the week in the market. Which means the three big stories Lee told me about. Do you know what they are? Have you been listening?
On to the people.
S&P 500 +0.5% and FSX +0.5% (advancers over decliners 14-11)
Advancers
Decliners
| Name | Ticker | 8/23/2013 | Change |
| Brinkley | BCO | $27.55 | -0.21 |
| Charlotte | ICE | $185.33 | +3.54 |
| Dustin | DST | $73.70 | +1.75 |
| Ghost Marisa | MOLXA | $25.10 | +0.14 |
| Icarus | FAST | $45.17 | +0.37 |
| Jenny | JNY | $15.18 | -0.63 |
| Jodi Ann | JOY | $52.45 | +0.19 |
| Justin | SCI | $18.78 | -0.12 |
| Katie | CATY | $23.83 | +0.39 |
| Lee | TGI | $76.62 | +2.47 |
| Lisa | LNCE | $27.17 | -0.58 |
| Lucas | LEI | $1.26 | -0.03 |
| Lulu | LULU | $71.77 | +1.64 |
| Marcus | MCS | $13.21 | +0.84 |
| Mario T.E. | MGEE | $55.34 | -0.29 |
| Mario T.Y. | MAR | $41.16 | +0.76 |
| Namilita | NL | $11.46 | +0.55 |
| Nicole E. | NICE | $38.30 | -0.17 |
| Nicole M. | COLM | $57.69 | -1.47 |
| Reagan | REGN | $238.85 | +7.87 |
| Ruby | RJET | $12.04 | +0.21 |
| Wilson | WILC | $7.10 | +0.11 |
| Winston | ED | $56.59 | -0.05 |
| Zero | ZAGG | $4.63 | -0.03 |
| Zondro | ZQK | $5.06 | -0.30 |
You probably know the commercial. It starts with several middle-aged (I’m being kind) couples doing middle-aged, domestic things–gardening, cooking, watching their kids play Little League baseball–while being playful and generally, modestly affectionate. Now the voice-over kicks in:
“She loves a lot of the same things you do. That’s why you love her.”
Well, sure.
“But your erectile dysfunction? Well, you know that could be a question of blood flow.”
Excuse me?
There are several versions of this commercial. Another one goes like this:
“You make a great team. It’s been that way since the day you met.”
Okay, no problems there.
“But your erectile dysfunction? Well, you know that could be a question of blood flow.”
What the hell?
Who wrote these commercials? There’s no transition, not even a half-hearted attempt.
How about this instead?
“Hey old dude! Do you want the rock-hard dong of a twenty-year-old, but you have qualms about organ theft? Ask your doctor about Cialis.”
I hate these commercials. As men and women–as conscientious human beings–can we all come together and agree that commercials for impotence drugs (and maxi pads, while we’re at it) have no place on television? I was watching CNBC at lunch the other day, and nine-year-old Reagan was sitting at the table when one of the Cialis commercials came on. (To give you some context If you don’t watch CNBC, impotence pills are advertised as heavily on that channel as feminine products are on Lifetime.) Reagan missed the blood flow line, but she was evidently all ears when voice-over guy gave us this dire warning: “If you have an erection lasting longer than four hours, seek medical help immediately.” My daughter heard that, turned to me, and asked, “Daddy, what’s an erection?”
Goddamn it, Pfizer.
(Yes, I know Pfizer makes Viagra, not Cialis, but Eli Lilly just didn’t sound right to me in that moment.)
Leaving aside that the fact that a sixty-year-old body doesn’t function the same way as a twenty-year old body isn’t a ‘question of blood flow’ so much as it is a ‘fact of life,’ these commercials are horrible. This is horrible, corporate America. Janet Jackson’s nip slip causes a national uproar, but my daughter can hear about some old man’s four-hour erection in every commercial block on any and every channel the media companies tell the drug companies Baby Boomers might watch? I’m ready for football to start, but am I ready to hit the mute button every time the game goes to commercial? For my daughters’ sake, I’d better be.
The spiders have retaken the front porch less than three weeks after a bleach-based combined-arms artillery and infantry assault that, at the time, I considered excessive. Just yesterday I discovered an entirely new infiltration-model spider hiding between the top of the front door and the door frame. This infiltrator had its legs folded under it so as to appear like a greenish triangle, a novel shape I might have mistaken for a crushed berry or a Junebug wing if the shade of green displayed hadn’t been just a little too bright. I blasted it with insecticide and its legs unfolded to reveal a hellish red body as it slid down and died–I’m calling this model the Unfolding Hell-Beast. Early this morning I was taking out the recycling and I was greeted by two enormous banded spiders, each of which I judged would measure nearly two inches with legs splayed. One was centered in a web with–I kid you not–a ten-foot span, and the other was climbing a long strand of webbing from the porch to its daytime refuge in farthest left bush. I didn’t attempt to kill either because no treaty violations had definitely occurred, but I was both shaken and dismayed by the obvious inefficacy of my earlier efforts.
As I watched the banded spiders retreat into the bushes for the day, I began to ask myself some long-overdue questions. Why do the largest spiders come out only as night falls? There’s plenty of buggy deliciousness flitting about during the day, yet the spiders stay hidden–why? Then I had what can only be described as an epiphany.
They fear the birds.
Birds aren’t active during the night, and the early morning when they begin to sing is precisely the time the giant, banded spiders disappear. Can this be a coincidence? Surely not. After all, how would a sizable robin view a two-inch spider centered in an enormous web? As a floating morsel, of course. I can’t believe I didn’t think of this before. I can’t attack the spiders of the Yard Dominion on their territory without violating our treaty and inciting war, but the birds have neither the constrictions nor the compunctions limiting me.
It is clear that we must form a clandestine alliance, the birds and I. I can provide them with the ground-level intelligence they lack and they can use it to attack the spiders in places I can’t. Such an arrangement would have been impossible before Marisa’s death last year; as far as the birds were concerned, I was harboring a terrorist. With that obstacle removed (R.I.P., Marisa–you were my favorite), I believe negotiations can proceed. Lulu is too fat to terrorize anything other than Brinky’s mattress springs.
Me: Jenny, did you see this?
Jenny: [ignoring me, cooking pasta]
Me: Jenny, take your damn ear buds out!
Jenny: Sorry. What?
Me: Did you see that trading on the Nasdaq has been halted for over an hour?
Jenny: Something’s wrong with the internet?
Me: Not the internet, the Nasdaq.
Jenny: Oh, good. [puts ear buds back in]
Me: Jenny!
Jenny: What?
Me: Do you even know what the Nasdaq is?
Jenny: Nope.
Me: It’s a stock exchange. Twenty percent of the stocks in the S&P 500 can’t trade at all now, like Google, Microsoft, Apple, Amazon.
Jenny: That’s bad. Do you know what I’m listening to? Katy Perry. Just all her songs, on loop.
Me: You’re the worst. I’m going back to work; clean up your mess when you’re done.
Jenny: Okay. Bye, Daddy! Love you!
He did put a car in the middle.
Whatever it is, I’m impressed–not because this is any kind of masterpiece, but because he’s using toys as toys (as opposed to, say, spoons or dog food). I don’t want him to know I’m pleased with his work, though, because then he’ll trash the whole arrangement just to spite me.
The stock market traded down sharply for a second straight week, with the S&P 500 falling 2.1% amidst rising bond yields and anemic trading volume. Are we in for another brief, shallow correction? To me, at least, this feels more substantive. The news flow has been sparse, but almost uniformly negative. When all the hedgies come back from the Hamptons in September we’ll find out if there’s fire behind all this smoke, or if it’s just a bunch of rich dudes with sunburns.
The Family Stock Index is having a bad month. Since we peaked at 16,610 on August 2, the FSX has taken a two-week nosedive, plunging 934 points, or 5.6% in two weeks. I blame Brinky—he’s the only FSX member with a gain over that period, so he must be up to something really terrible.
Advancers and decliners courtesy of the ladies.
Advancers
Decliners
(Side note by Mr. S.—We have plenty of books. We just don’t have any of the crap books Jenny likes, so she’s reading The Host again. That’s right, not even Twilight—The Host. Gah.)
(Side note—gah.)
| Name | Ticker | 8/16/2013 | Change |
| Brinkley | BCO | $27.76 | -0.09 |
| Charlotte | ICE | $181.79 | -3.13 |
| Dustin | DST | $71.95 | -1.31 |
| Ghost Marisa | MOLXA | $24.96 | -0.82 |
| Icarus | FAST | $44.80 | -2.73 |
| Jenny | JNY | $15.81 | -1.20 |
| Jodi Ann | JOY | $52.26 | +1.16 |
| Justin | SCI | $18.90 | -0.21 |
| Katie | CATY | $23.44 | -0.56 |
| Lee | TGI | $74.15 | -3.13 |
| Lisa | LNCE | $27.75 | -0.02 |
| Lucas | LEI | $1.29 | -0.05 |
| Lulu | LULU | $70.13 | -2.45 |
| Marcus | MCS | $12.37 | -0.30 |
| Mario T.E. | MGEE | $55.63 | -2.87 |
| Mario T.Y. | MAR | $40.40 | -0.54 |
| Namilita | NL | $10.91 | +0.20 |
| Nicole E. | NICE | $38.47 | +0.85 |
| Nicole M. | COLM | $59.16 | -2.18 |
| Reagan | REGN | $230.98 | -19.03 |
| Ruby | RJET | $11.83 | -0.74 |
| Wilson | WILC | $6.99 | -0.26 |
| Winston | ED | $56.64 | -3.66 |
| Zero | ZAGG | $4.66 | -0.31 |
| Zondro | ZQK | $5.36 | -0.47 |
The market took a breather this week, with the S&P 500 giving back 1.1% and failing to hold 1700. This is nothing to worry about if you’re a bull, although we’re still so close to recent highs that it hardly represents a buying opportunity. The market needs to spend a few weeks consolidating the summer’s outsized gains, and the dog days of August are an ideal time for traders to take off non-core positions and hit the beach. We’re through the bulk of Q2 earnings reports and it’s too early for companies to start guiding up or down meaningfully for Q3, and most of the known macro catalysts are likely to hit in September or beyond. Tactical investors are taking profits in overstretched names so that they have cash to put to work once the vacation season is over and the news flow picks up again. A gradual decline of 3-5% would be a very healthy development, and could set up another leg higher beginning in the second half of September. Alternatively, investors could come to their senses, realize they’re paying 18 times trailing earnings for long-term single-digit earnings growth and flat revenues, and give the entire market a well-deserved 30% haircut. Just a thought.
The Family Stock Index opened at a new all-time high on Monday and never looked back. Wait…that was last week. This week we opened at a new all-time high on Monday, plunged 600 points over the next two days, and never looked back. The FSX dramatically underperformed the S&P, shedding nearly 3% to close at 16,132, with decliners outnumbering advancers more than three-to-one. The three people most responsible for our month-long market-beating run are Lisa, Reagan, and Ruby, and those three were down an average of ten percent on the week. Given that—and the lack of meaningful upside offset—we were lucky to get out of the first week of August with all our short-term bullish technicals intact. If April is the cruelest month, August is definitely the suckiest. Except for the spiders.
Jenny and Reagan are back—and in Katie’s office at work—so they’re doing the A/D section. Brace yourselves.
Advancers
Decliners
| Name | Ticker | 8/9/2013 | Change |
| Brinkley | BCO | $27.85 | +0.28 |
| Charlotte | ICE | $184.92 | -3.52 |
| Dustin | DST | $73.26 | +0.86 |
| Ghost Marisa | MOLXA | $25.78 | +0.10 |
| Icarus | FAST | $47.53 | -2.71 |
| Jenny | JNY | $17.01 | -0.29 |
| Jodi Ann | JOY | $51.10 | +0.62 |
| Justin | SCI | $19.11 | +0.04 |
| Katie | CATY | $24.00 | -0.68 |
| Lee | TGI | $77.28 | -3.02 |
| Lisa | LNCE | $27.77 | -4.21 |
| Lucas | LEI | $1.34 | -0.02 |
| Lulu | LULU | $72.58 | -0.12 |
| Marcus | MCS | $12.67 | -0.56 |
| Mario T.E. | MGEE | $58.50 | -0.50 |
| Mario T.Y. | MAR | $40.94 | -1.48 |
| Namilita | NL | $10.71 | -0.65 |
| Nicole E. | NICE | $37.62 | -0.98 |
| Nicole M. | COLM | $61.34 | -3.24 |
| Reagan | REGN | $250.01 | -22.38 |
| Ruby | RJET | $12.57 | -1.28 |
| Wilson | WILC | $7.25 | +0.08 |
| Winston | ED | $60.30 | -0.07 |
| Zero | ZAGG | $4.97 | +0.04 |
| Zondro | ZQK | $5.83 | -0.69 |
Harpoons, guys? Dude just wants some candy.
It’s Halloween and his costume is totally sweet. So he botched the opening–he went with ‘Scary!’ instead of ‘Trick or Treat!’–English is a tough language to master. I love Google Translate, but sometimes it swings and misses. Point is, fork over the candy. And whatever you do, don’t give him a toothbrush–kids hate that. Look at him; he’s bound to have a toothbrush already. Besides, handing out toothbrushes on Halloween is how you get your house egged. Or eaten.
Mr. Sensitive 