I have been very busy this afternoon with important archival business. Specifically, I have sorted, logged, and classified all the letters my Dad kept because his name was misspelled. He had an entire file dedicated to this, and I am working to understand all 35 that I found, assigning them reference numbers and identifying salient characteristics as I go. Now I will complete my father’s life’s work by ranking the misspellings of his name. It’s so much the circle of life that I feel compelled to hold my son, Prince Brinkles, out over a cliff so the giraffes can bow to him.
The way Dad rendered his name for professional purposes was as follows: L. Brinkley Eure, MD.
35. L. Brinkly Eure, MD. This is weak, Dad. There’s nothing here but an ‘e’ missing from Brinkley. Reagan can’t even spell that name right, and she just won her spelling bee.
34. Eure L Brinkley Dr. This would be fine if it were the output of a computer, a name entered incorrectly into some billing software. But no, this was the hand-written work of a patient.
33. E. Brinkley Eure, MD
32. Dr. E.B. Eure
31. J.B. Eure, MD
30. Dr. E.L. Brinkley
It would mean more if I knew what the wrong initials meant. Try harder next time, people.
29. Dr. Ure. Nothing wrong with the classics.
28. Dr. L.B. Ure
Now it gets better. 35 through 28 were just a warm-up.
27. L. Brinkley Eurie. This is an example of self-actualizing misspelling. No doubt someone read E-U-R-E as ‘Eurie’ and then a third person transcribed it accordingly. I’m surprised this doesn’t happen more often.
26. L. Brinkley Eurel
25. L.B. Ewe, MD
24. L. Brinkley Ewe, MD
Ewe is a popular, and somewhat insulting misspelling. There’s still one more Ewe higher on this list, its creator having figured out how to make the name really work.
23. Dr. Uere
22. Dr. Uren
21. Dr. Uring
Good efforts, all. Faithful, but wrong.
20. Dr. Yuri. Possibly a derivation of the classic Eurie, but alas, we are French, not Russian.
19. Eura Brinkley. I am not.
18. L.B. Eversale
17. L.B. Eureta
16. Dr. L.B. Ewemore
I appreciate the humor of the misspelled last name, but is it so hard to fathom how it happens? Someone tells you the name is spelled E-U-R-E and you assume you heard wrong. They’re trying to be helpful, really, giving us a surname that makes sense. It’s the sort of thing that might have happened for real at Ellis Island if there had been an Ellis Island in the 17th Century.
15. John Eure, MD
14. Lawrence B. Eure
Wrong first names are even funnier than last names. Who the hell is John Eure? And Lawrence? Were they just guessing at the meaning of the L? Or should I really be going by Larry?
13. Mr. Eurie Brinkly. Excellent work here. You know there’s good stuff to come if this triple threat is only #13.
12. M.D. Eure L. Brinkley. Like #34, this would be forgivable if it were the work of a poorly-configured spreadsheet. However, this is another hand-written patient letter. This time the hilarity is owing to the incorporation of M.D. into my Dad’s name. Whoever wrote this has no idea of his/her doctor’s name let alone that the M.D. after that name isn’t a part of it.
11. Dr. Brinliey L. Eurn. There’s so much here it overwhelms itself, thus failing to make the top ten. If Brinliey had been paired with Yuri, we would have had a Slavic juggernaut on par with the Red Army of 1945. Oh well.
10. Les Brinkley Eure. I’m not a Larry, but am I a Les? Maybe.
9. Bill Brinkley, MD. Well, shit, Bill, I swear I sent that check your way. Don’t know why you didn’t get it.
8. L. Blakely Eure. I almost went to Duke for my undergrad because they were really after me in the Philosophy department (not kidding). I didn’t bite, but I bet Blake Eure would have.
7. Dr. Cure. It’s too easy. Don’t you think, if you were a company, that you would do a double-take if you were about to send a solicitation to a Dr. Cure? Wouldn’t you check your records one more time before you sent that letter? Apparently, if you were Northwestern National Life, you would not.
6. L.B. Inkle. This one is the secret best, but not on the merits of the name alone. The letter is addressed to one L.B. Inkle—so far, wrong but plausible. But then the salutation is ‘Dear Inkle:’ How is that possibly the way you would begin a letter?
Now we have reached the top five. These are all, without exception, names that I wish were real, and mine.
5. E. Ure, MD. Now, why didn’t I think of that? You really want people to remember your name, drop the first name altogether and split the surname. It’s Eure, bitch. Front and back.
4. U. Brinkley Ewe, MD. It’s U, bitch. Front and back.
3. Barkley Eure, MD. Yes.
2. L. Brankley Eure. YES.
1. L. Brinbley Ewemok. That’s right, son. L. Brinbley Ewemok III. That’s what it’s always been. That crap on your birth certificate is wrong; the government couldn’t get anything right after we elected a black President. We sure are lucky we’ve got President Jeb in office now and the world is safe for the Ewemoks. Now, come on, we’ve got to say goodnight to Chairman Mao so China will pay for the lights to come on tomorrow.
Mr. Sensitive 