Mr. Sensitive

July 14, 2010

The Wet Yard Of Defeat

Filed under: House — lbej @ 11:44
Tags: ,

So that’s over.  We have been decisively beaten.  Not only do I believe it is impossible to prepare the yard for children by Saturday, I believe the entire thing ought to be burned and then paved.  This was a monumentally stupid idea and I cannot now imagine what I can have been thinking.  Everything is soaked and rusted and rotted and stinking.  The deathice chest freezer is taunting me.  If this fiasco is to go forward I will have to create an escrow fund for the lawsuits that will inevitably follow the introduction of innocents to this land of spiders, splinters and putrescence.  This party cannot take place or we are all doomed.

July 13, 2010

Army Of The Party

Filed under: Basement War,Girls,House,Imperial Army — lbej @ 21:10
Tags: , , ,

Jenny’s birthday party will be held this coming Saturday and I am focusing my efforts on the attendant preparations over the next several days.  I have reorganized my forces into an Army of the Party; Jenny will command a division and Reagan will be a division.  The party will be centered on the Apple Floor Room in the basement as well as the backyard.  It will be readily apparent that the yard spiders and their ant and beetle allies could pose a problem.  We have been pelted by junebugs over the past few days, although the enemy seems to have neglected to equip them with any kind of navigation system.  To prepare for the party I am implementing a strategy reminiscent of Operation Cartwheel in WWII.  We will sever the enemy’s lines of communication, supply and reinforcement by clearing the yard of trash and other outposts (akin to islands in the Pacific) before wheeling back upon the patio and basement.  We will begin in the a.m. with the pond, pending suitable weather.  We will then move up along the lines of the fence, bypassing the fort/swingset.  I expect that redoubt to be heavily defended, and the dogs will also no doubt congregate there.  I shall also open up the pinball machine in the basement first thing tomorrow.  It has stopped responding to electric current altogether and I suspect a spider silk-insulated infestation that would provide an intolerable forward operating base for the enemy.  Consider it my Guadalcanal.

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