Mr. Sensitive

August 29, 2010

If You Were The Worst Dog

Filed under: House,Pet Nasty War,Pets — lbej @ 21:10
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This is the sort of thing you would do to a rug:

Dozens of times.  It will take at least three showers to wash off the experience of rolling up this pee-soaked carpet.  I would be able to focus my powerful hatred on Wilson more consistently if his own self-hatred didn’t ethereally neutralize it.  When I enter a room he’s in I swear I can feel this happen.

August 18, 2010

Pet Nasty War – Blockade Running

Filed under: Pet Nasty War — lbej @ 16:12
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I had not been inspecting the hall over the past few days because it has been blockaded during that time and I saw no need.  Then today I noticed that the wood floor was discolored in a notorious spot near the bathroom door, and investigation revealed that the dog has peed in that spot several times since the hall was mopped and barricaded.  Not only that, but I then discovered still more places where he has gotten past the blockade.  I estimate that he has peed in the hall at least five times since I put in place the measures that I hoped would stop him.  I scrubbed and mopped yet again this afternoon, but I am very disheartened about the prospect of ever breaking him.  Nevertheless, my floors will not be destroyed by an animal.  What he is doing is unacceptable and I simply will not allow it to continue.  He will stay outside for the foreseeable future, because it seems the only way I can be certain he won’t pee in the house is if he’s not in the house at all.  I don’t like this dog and I don’t care if he spends the rest of his life outside–although I won’t let any harm come to him–but the girls won’t be happy about it.  I considered letting him into the hall to see if he would pee in front of me–I suspect he would–so I could then punish him to establish the negative association I need.  But I can’t do it now.  I’m too angry to risk the confrontation.  I’m going to end up tying myself to this stupid dog so that he does nothing without my knowledge.  I could resent my mother for this, but really I’m just relieved that Law & Order didn’t start until I was older because otherwise I’d probably still be wearing a diaper myself.

August 16, 2010

Pet Nasty War – Assessment

Filed under: Pet Nasty War — lbej @ 15:15
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One goes to war because the national will requires it.  The nation’s will must be realized in fact or that nation will be destroyed and debased down to the last generation.   External resistance and internal imperfection, our enemies and ourselves, present obstacles to the realization of our national will.  War is the means whereby our most implacable enemies are destroyed, and history has shown us too that it is in this crucible of war that we find our national character perfected.  Thus it is through war that our obstacles are overcome and our will takes shape.  I have seen this and I know it, for it is true for all people and for all time.  That is why I am all the time declaring war on everything: animals and plants, inanimate objects, ideas and memories.  Everything, everywhere, forever, war.  The imposition by force of my will against any and all resistance.

I declared war on the pets and their flagrant nastiness back in April, and I want to take a moment to review the progress of the war while my head hurts too much to do anything else.  My war aims seem to have been as follows:

1.  Stop Wilson the dog from peeing on the carpets in the upstairs hall, Jenny’s room, and Reagan’s room every night.

2.  Stop Wilson from pooping in Reagan’s room.

3.  Stop Lulu the cat from shredding the front door.

4.  Improve the condition of the office, ruined by the cats and the dog.

5.  Stop the hamsters from kicking bedding all over the floor and into the dresser in Jenny’s room.

Overall, progress has been decent, even good.  The hamsters are dead, so that takes care of #5 (R.I.P. though, seriously).  My triumph in regards to #4 was more resounding and resplendent than I had dared to conceive beforehand.  The litter boxes were relocated to the master bedroom closet upstairs absolutely without incident; the carpet is gone, replaced with a new floor, and at minimal expense; the room is clean and reorganized for use as my headquarters.  This success alone redeems the entire war as waged up to this point.  #2 has also been accomplished, but only because Reagan’s room has been closed off altogether.  #1 has largely been achieved as well, owing to the removal of the carpets in the hall and Jenny’s room.  Which leaves #3.  Can’t win ’em all, I guess.

The Pet Nasty War would, I believe, now be over, except for the major development I did not foresee: the entrance of my mother’s dog on the side of Wilson and the cats.  Now we have a young, energetic dog that my mother owned just long enough that she was able to teach him to pee and poop in the house.  And so the war evolves and continues.  There remains one major initiative that falls under the aegis of the Pet Nasty War, at least in part: reclamation of Reagan’s room and its conversion into a playroom/nursery.  I am scouting out the terrain for the coming campaign this week; it will be called Operation Dollhouse.  Once that is finished, the original aims of the Pet Nasty War will have been achieved.  Except #3.

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