Mr. Sensitive

August 29, 2010

If You Were The Worst Dog

Filed under: House,Pet Nasty War,Pets — lbej @ 21:10
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This is the sort of thing you would do to a rug:

Dozens of times.  It will take at least three showers to wash off the experience of rolling up this pee-soaked carpet.  I would be able to focus my powerful hatred on Wilson more consistently if his own self-hatred didn’t ethereally neutralize it.  When I enter a room he’s in I swear I can feel this happen.

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July 22, 2010

Pet Nasty War – Office Landings Unopposed

Filed under: Pet Nasty War,Pets — lbej @ 13:16
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It had been my intention to focus on the master bedroom today.  It was the Hindenburg Line for last week’s birthday renovations, the great redoubt upon which clothes, toys and furniture might crash without front line operations becoming compromised.  But now that Jenny’s room has been successfully transformed, I’m tripping over a Barbie vanity three times a night for no good reason.  I had been at it no more than five minutes this morning when both cats arrived in rapid succession to blow up the litter box.  I retreated lest I should be felled by the stench, and when I returned thirty minutes later they were sleeping in the piles of clothes I had left on the bed.  It was a masterful coup de main and a clear setback, but it presented an opportunity as well.  If I know where both cats are–I seldom do–then I know also where they are not: they are not trying to get into the office while I am working to empty it.  So I cleared it, all of it, before lunch, leaving only the large bookshelves and the desk.  These pieces of furniture will remain where they are because they are too heavy and cumbersome for me to move.  I can live with that because they have never been moved and thus the space they cover is pristine.  Now the carpet is at my mercy.  I may destroy it now and I may not.

Pet Nasty War – Three Alls

Filed under: Pet Nasty War,Pets — lbej @ 12:40
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Cat/dog Sankō Sakusen: pee on all, poop on all, puke on all.  This is what they did to the office:

And it’s worse than it looks.

July 13, 2010

Bellum Omnium Contra Pets

Filed under: House,Pets — lbej @ 14:41

The large dog is gone and so the odds have turned in my favor.  I shall take Jenny to gymnastics, return to headquarters, and draft general instructions for the conduct of operations over the next three days.  The situation is fluid, but I know this much: I need more bleach.

July 9, 2010

Pet Nasty War – Cat Cocktails

Filed under: House,Pets — lbej @ 09:11
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Again this morning I find myself out of action due to a significant nosebleed.  The cats are doing this to me by furring up my bed.  It is the dander equivalent of the Finns lobbing Molotov cocktails at Soviet tanks.   Now I shall have to find a countermeasure to stop the furring or at the very least lessen the deleterious effects on my fighting strength.  I see this tactical tit-for-tat as what it is, namely an attempt by the weaker power to deprive the stronger power of the strategic initiative.  One need look no further than the U.S. wars in Iraq and Afghanistan to see this principle applied: the most conventionally powerful military in history is locked in a cycle of explosives vs. armor oneupmanship with disorganized goat herders.   My military resources are so far superior to those of my enemy that I can sweep her from the battlefield with little more than programmatic application of those resources.  However, she has realized that I need time and space to strike a clean blow and she can deprive me of those things by pestering and harrying my movements.  If I am staging a massed attack such as I must in order to effect significant change in the house (painting walls, removing/laying floors, shifting furniture) I need blocks of time.  A delay from 8:00 to 9:00 can make a difference.

They are on the bed right now, both of them.  Lulu must have persuaded Marisa to support her furring initiative.  I moved the litter box to the closet in the master bedroom, expecting that they would resist, and I was unprepared for acceptance.  You want us in this room? they said.  Then into this room we shall go.  Again I see a parallel to the U.S. invasion of Iraq.  Saddam’s army would fight or they would surrender, the American planners believed.  In the former event we would annihilate them, and in the latter we would disarm them and dictate the terms of their social and political reintegration, as we did with our vanquished foes after World War II.  Instead, the Iraqis didn’t fight or surrender.  The soldiers kept their weapons and went home, spontaneously dissolving the army and creating the conditions for tribal civil war.  So the U.S. had to set the bed on fire in order to win.

Wait, that’s not right.

July 8, 2010

Pet Nasty War – Rattenkrieg In Blue

Filed under: Pet Nasty War,Pets — lbej @ 08:54
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Fighting is close and chaotic this week.  The office blockade remains in place and the defiance defecation strategy I feared for the hallway outside the office has not yet been embraced by the animals.  The cats have adopted quite divergent approaches in response to the loss of the office.  Marisa is marshalling all her forces outside the house in an apparent attempt to kill every bird and rodent in the vicinity for subsequent intimidating arrangement on the front walkway, or possibly to trip me.  Lulu has gone in the other direction entirely, decamping in the master bedroom.  She is pursuing an allergy sabotage strategy, waiting until the Empress and I are asleep before furrifying our bed using hit-and-run dander application tactics.  Perhaps in concert they hope to see me trip over a dead bird while sneezing, in effect an all-arms battleplan on the scale of Amiens in 1918.  I would be more concerned if I didn’t know that they hate each other and would sooner die than work together.  The dogs are a different matter.  Zondro and Wilson have been reinforced by Icarus this week, the latter animal being much larger than I remember.  The net effect has been much skidding and crashing into furniture.  What this temporary alliance will do to alter the long term complexion of the canine resistance, if anything, is unknown.  This week is simply one to be borne as steadily and evenly as possible, as there is simply more dog mass present than can be restrained and it’s too hot for said dog mass to stay outside for any length of time.

My youngest brother’s loyalties in regards to the Pet Nasty War are dubious.  If I am to have his support this week my approach must be a moderate one.  No scorched earth, but rattenkrieg, engaging the animals as closely as possible, has a definite appeal from the standpoint of military progress in the context of coalition maintenance.  Justin has seemed slightly aghast at my tendency to place my troops in Thermopylae- or 1st Marne-like situations where we must either fight desperately or be annihilated, and to do so for no apparent strategic reason.  My rejoinder?  Mustn’t ask us, not its business.  Justin and I were conducting a joint carpet-removal operation and he became increasingly insistent that I have a plan other than victory.  Victory, one might observe, is not a plan so much as it is a condition.  That is true but irrelevant.  Anyone who assumes that not knowing what I’m doing will stop me from doing it simply hasn’t had the experience of domestic campaigning along the maréchal.  Justin has now had that experience.

Painting in Jenny’s room today.  I bequeath it to history as Operation Turquoise Blast.

July 5, 2010

Pet Nasty War – The Office Door Is Closed

Filed under: Pet Nasty War,Pets — lbej @ 13:59
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Lulu has accepted the new box, and Marisa knows it’s there, but still they do their black work on the office floor.  I am weak and they know it.  I haven’t been able to walk since last week, although today has been better owing to a third round of colchicine on Saturday.  For that I have paid with the medicinal shredding of my intestines to the point that I’m basically an upside-down ketchup bottle with hair.  They have spied that out as well, skulking around after me as is their wont.  But perhaps their spies are too good.  If they have followed my movements they will have expected me to be out of action for another day.  I haven’t slept and I can’t eat.  I can’t possibly be manufacturing blood at the pace I’m losing it.  The subsiding of the gout has subsided for today.  I can’t tear up the office carpet, or empty the desk, or cover the bookshelves.  But I can bag up the old litter box and put it in the trash, put a new air freshener in the office, and shut the door.  And so I have done.  The war begins in earnest not with battle but with blockade.  Your move, ladies.

June 27, 2010

Pet Nasty War – And Your Little Dog Too

Filed under: Pet Nasty War,Pets — lbej @ 18:19

The peeing of dogs in the office will be halted as well.  I will impose a blockade.

May 24, 2010

Operation Mortal Coil

Filed under: Operation Mortal Coil,Pets — lbej @ 10:33
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Two weeks ago I laid out my plans to complete Operation Coda in time for my 33rd birthday, but events have since intervened, as they are sometimes wont to do.  Operation Mortal Coil began very unceremoniously last Sunday the 16th of May and has continued in the subsequent days.  My opportunities to plan have been few and far between and my aim has been to advance judiciously and expeditiously while–critically–protecting the rear and flanks of my formation from attack.  The greatest potential enemy has yet to be found and fixed, and the demands of the campaign have been and will be considerable irrespective of his efforts. Progress has been acceptable given the time that has passed.  But I now have a chance to consider the situation and formulate a plan of attack.  Being forever on the defense stinks.

This week I shall complete the evacuation and ordering of my mother’s house.  Right now it looks as though she was killed by a small but powerful indoor tornado, and that simply will not do.  In addition, I shall recover every trinket, every teacup, every scrap of paper that belonged to either my mother or my father.  The enemy will have everything that was his but nothing that was theirs, and I will leave him to soak in the poisonous ruin of his schemes.

The Pet Nasty War has changed irrevocably with the addition of my mother’s puppy, Zondro.  I wanted to change his name but I know that that particular ship has sailed.  Zondro’s addition means that I have his training to manage, but it also will undoubtedly cause changes in the behavior of the other animals.  I will effect a strategic retreat in good order, because what I need now is information.  Gen. Jenny has taken responsibility for the dog, so far as she is able.  It will be a true challenge for her, but she is adamant that it is a challenge she wants to face.

The areas of the house and the basement that I cleared during the operations of the past several months have been lost again in but a few days.  This time I have the artifacts of my mother’s life to sort out, and I am already missing the spiders.  I will be fighting both a large amount of junk and my own volatile memories.  I will win.

First things first: I need to do some laundry and wash some dishes.  Then I will go back to my mother’s house, if not today then tomorrow.  There will be no victory, now or ever, but perhaps one day there will be peace.

May 12, 2010

Pet Nasty War – The Nuclear Option

Filed under: Pet Nasty War,Pets — lbej @ 10:26
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Wilson’s Tinkle Trousers arrived this morning.  Think of it as a tactical nuclear weapon, disregarding what a ridiculous idea that always was.

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