FSX Friday Update

Stocks sold off on Monday after the weekend’s dramatic events in the Crimea—an understandable reaction in a market priced for perfection, although early losses were cut in half by the close of trading.  After the close, Crazy Vlad Putin declared that he wasn’t planning to invade Ukraine (right now), and that was enough for stocks to soar to new all-time highs on Tuesday.  What kind of market makes investors willing to pay more for risk assets on Tuesday—with the status of Russian-occupied Crimea unresolved—than they were willing to pay before Russian troops invaded the peninsula?   If you’ve been reading this section of the Friday Update, you know the answer.  Since you haven’t—just admit it—I’ll give you a hint: it’s a six-letter word starting with B-U-B-B-L-E.

As an aside, if Putin is planning to invade the rest of Ukraine, would he say so before he was ready to launch?  Wouldn’t he, in fact, say that he is of course not planning to invade?  Just a thought.

The Family Stock Index returned to its customary spot—lagging the market—with a sub-par 0.6% gain for the week.  We came within fifty points of the all-time high (set back in December) during Tuesday’s furious rally, but like the Dow Industrials, we failed to join the broader indices in uncharted territory.  At 17,113, the FSX is down 1.2% for 2014, trailing all three major indices and struggling to find leadership.  Hey, don’t look at me—I just work here.

Advancers

• Lucas (CTG) +9.7%.  Has Lucas invented the next WhatsApp?  Is he in advanced talks to sell his tech startup to Facebook (or Google or Apple or Microsoft) for billions of dollars?  Most importantly, does he have a good name?
• Dustin (DST) +2.8%.  Dustin can handle the programming, sure, but the name is what gets you the big bucks.  Would Facebark have 1 billion users?  Would Gaggle be the world’s dominant search engine?  You see what I mean.
• Lisa (LNCE) +2.7%.  So I’ll come up with a billion-dollar name for the company, and all I want is a 1% stake.  It’s a small price to pay for access to my poetic prowess.
• Jodi Ann (JOY +3.3%) and Marcus (MCS +2.3%).  Did you know glutens are a real thing?  I didn’t believe in them until they took Marcus out behind the woodshed for a multi-month beating.  But all’s well that end’s gluten-free, if you ask me.
• Lee (TGI) +0.01%.  I’m sure it’s a simple misunderstanding, and I hate to be a stickler, but…I said one percent, not one cent.  Percent.  See, this is why you need me for the wordery.

Decliners

• Reagan (REGN) -1.3%.  We lost power for about two hours this morning—it could have been much worse. considering that ice fell steadily from 6PM last night to 10PM this morning.  What’s puzzling is that REGN—up slightly through midday—plunged from $335 to $305 in the first fifteen minutes after the power came back (even though she rebounded later).  During the outage, Reagan kept suggesting/insisting that we should all play Monopoly, so I can only assume that she had some Monopoly-related scheme thwarted, initially, by my reticence, and finally, by Duke Power.  The source of my reticence?  What are we supposed to to do with Brinkzilla while we play a lengthy board game with shiny pieces and paper money?  Reagan never really answered that question…and neither did she back away from Operation Monopoly.  But after all, if she had an idea for neutralizing her little brother, it’s probably not something I want to know about.
• Jenny (GNE) -1.7%.  Jenny’s mom wouldn’t drive to Target on the ice-covered roads to get Jenny a copy of Catching Fire, and the best excuse she could come up with was ‘you can’t even watch it because the power’s out.’  So I ask you, dear readers…do you think you know anything about injustice?  Because you don’t.
• Wilson (WILC) -8.4%.  It’s hard to navigate icy steps when you’re 150 years old.  Poor Wilson’s so low to the ground that he’d almost certainly survive if he slipped and fell, so there’s not even the sweet release of death as potential upside.  Winter just plain sucks for sesquicentenarians.

Name	Ticker	3/7/2014	Change
Brinkley	BCO	$30.48	+0.07
Charlotte	ICE	$212.64	+3.80
Dustin	DST	$96.67	+2.61
Icarus	FAST	$49.05	+1.86
Jenny	GNE	$11.30	-0.19
Jodi Ann	JOY	$56.82	+1.82
Josie Ann	JCOM	$51.67	+0.27
Justin	XOXO	$12.03	+0.10
Katie	CATY	$25.81	+0.40
Lee	TGI	$65.21	+0.01
Lisa	LNCE	$27.83	+0.74
Lucas	CTG	$17.83	+1.58
Lulu	LULU	$49.61	-0.69
Marcus	MCS	$14.41	+0.32
Mario T.E.	MGEE	$38.56	-0.02
Mario T.Y.	MAR	$54.79	+0.56
Namilita	NL	$11.15	-0.06
Nicole E.	NICE	$41.01	-0.07
Nicole M.	COLM	$84.00	+0.91
Reagan	REGN	$328.11	-4.30
Ruby	RJET	$9.63	+0.05
Wilson	WILC	$7.31	-0.67
Winston	ED	$55.44	-0.61
Zero	Z	$82.03	-1.57
Zondro	ZQK	$7.63	-0.17