Mr. Sensitive

June 22, 2013

Maybe Stick To Fireworks, Gandalf

Filed under: Uncategorized — lbej @ 11:22

I watched Two Towers again this week–that’s what I wanted to do on my birthday, besides eat a box of Cheez-its–and I noticed something I hadn’t picked up on before.  About a third of the way into the movie, Theoden’s sitting on his throne in Meduseld being lectured by Gandalf; this is like ten minutes after he got de-Sarumaned and five minutes after his son’s funeral, so Theoden’s not feeling too chatty.  Gandalf wants Theoden to ride out with his army to meet Saruman’s orcs head-on.  This new, silky-haired Gandalf really lays into the king, and admittedly, Theoden’s initial plan (sit around and wait) is maybe not the best.  But then Theoden decides to take refuge in the near-impregnable Hornburg fortress at Helm’s Deep, and Gandalf completely loses his shit.  He bitches to Aragorn about how Theoden’s leading his people into a trap, and he’s a fool, and he runs to the mountain when he should stand and fight–harsh stuff.  Aragorn counters that Theoden is doing what he thinks is best and that Helm’s Deep has saved Rohan in the past.  He gives Gandalf a look that says, clearly, ‘all you had to do was kill one Balrog and it took you like two months, so maybe you should shut your fancy, white pie-hole.’  Gandalf’s not having it, though; he rides off, silky hair ruffling in the wind, and leaves Aragorn to hold down the fort.  Ultimately, Helm’s Deep is breached, but only after it buys Theoden enough time to be reinforced by Eomer and a smarmy, unapologetic Gandalf the Silky.  So it all works out, but does Gandalf deserve any credit?

Hell no.

Let’s review Gandalf’s plan, shall we?  Big Silky wants Theoden to leave the people of Rohan at the unfortified city of Edoras and lead his men–3000 of whom are miles away with Eomer–out to do battle in the open with Saruman’s army of Uruk-hai.  We’re talking 10,000 Uruk-hai, at least, and Theoden’s men can barely even handle the fifty or so warg-riders they run into on the way to Helm’s Deep.  Plan Gandalf would make for a much shorter movie and spare us Aragorn’s inexplicable cliff-diving scene, but that’s about all the good it would do.  The Rohirrim would be wiped out in half-an-hour, the poor folks at Edoras would be butchered, and Gondor would end up as the meat in a Sauron-Saruman orc sandwich.  So Gandalf’s a big, silky idiot.  Naturally, he later accepts his mistake and gives Theoden credit for his wisdom and foresight.

Ha ha ha of course he doesn’t!  He swoops in with his pretty hair and his pretty horse (and his ravishing friend, Eomer) and saves the day, with no acknowledgement whatsoever that there’d be no day to save if Theoden had taken his advice.

God, I miss Gandalf the Grey.

Something else I noticed: I’m pretty sure every single one of the crap elves Elrond sent to Helm’s Deep gets killed in the battle.  Every single one.  Clearly Elrond and Galadriel didn’t want to show up in Valinor with those losers, and they sent them to Rohan to get slaughtered.  Pretty clever, actually.


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