Mr. Sensitive

September 5, 2011

Movies I Would Never Watch

Filed under: Uncategorized — lbej @ 13:02

I hate things, most things, in fact, and I want to share that with my people.  These are not movies that I hate—I mean, I do hate them, but only from afar—they are movies that I would never, ever watch.  Note that the list does not include movies that no one would watch—Pay It Forward is the example that I found on Netflix for that.  It does not include movies that are bad and I expect to be bad, and that I would watch for that reason—here I am thinking of Waterworld, a movie that I have never seen but absolutely would watch.  It does not include a lot of movies that I am almost certainly never going to watch, but am not opposed to—Schindler’s List comes to mind here.  So, why don’t I like certain movies?  I am not a snob.  I enjoy a good bad movie—Deep Blue Sea is definitely in my top 20 favorite movies.  I even enjoy a bad bad movie—I love Strange Wilderness and it loves me and there’s nothing you can do to vanquish our love no matter how hard you try, Katie.  But really, this list is not about the movies I love or the ones I hate.  It’s about the ones I refuse to watch.  Here are some of the reasons why I won’t watch a movie:

  • It’s too long.  You can’t have more than three hours of my time in one sitting, Mr. Director.  Get an editor or save something for the extended-edition DVD.  Action movies that are more than two-and-a-half hours are similarly shunned.
  • It doesn’t end well.  I won’t watch movies that are known to be depressing.  People say, oh, but it’s true to life, and sometimes life is depressing.  To which I say: exactly.  Life is depressing and I have no choice but to watch, but I refuse to go willingly into an entertainment experience that is going to leave me feeling worse than I felt before.  That’s also why I don’t ride roller-coasters.
  • It’s visually or emotionally disturbing.  This is not the same as striking or astonishing.  I manufacture enough nightmarish imagery in my own subconscious without any outside assistance, Darren Aronofsky.  In general, I can’t handle extreme violence or explicit sex in movies that are supposed to be about something other than those things.  I don’t know why that is and I don’t care to know.  I don’t object to the existence of art that I find obscene, but I don’t want to see it, either.  There are certain images that are so psychologically disruptive that their presence explodes the context—or more accurately, the viewer brings his or her overriding context and nothing the artist can do will negate that.  I’m not going to give you a list, but I’m sure you can think of examples without my help.  No list would be universal, either, as the circumstances of one’s own life determine sources of intolerable discomfort.  I’m more generic than I’d like, though.  Most of the stuff the guys and gals on the Supreme Court don’t want to see, I don’t want to see, either.  Excluding Clarence Thomas, of course.
  • It is supposed to be the best movie ever.  I hate those most of all.  If everyone likes it, I’m determined that I won’t.

So, without further ado, here’s the list:

10.  The Bodyguard

This whole idea started with The Bodyguard, which Katie has in her Netflix instant queue.  At least once a week, she jokingly says, “I know you really want to watch The Bodyguard,” except that of course she’s not joking at all.  I then say to her, “I would never watch The Bodyguard.  Would.  Never.”  I wondered for a moment if The Bodyguard was the #1 movie that I would never watch, but I quickly realized what #1 actually is.  Then I filled in numbers nine through two arbitrarily.

9.    The Da Vinci Code

I hate this whole thing.  I hate that people thought these books weren’t awful and that they thought Dan Brown invented any of it.  I would have the entire text of Twilight tattooed on my face before I read one page of this.  And I hate that Tom Hanks, Mr. Greatest-Actor-Of-His-Generation, could sell out so hard and not get killed for it.  If I met him now, I would only call him the name of his character in Da Vinci Code, except for that I have no idea what it is.

8.    2001: A Space Odyssey/Clockwork Orange

I’m pretty sure these two are the same unappealing movie.

7.    Precious

Hell no.

6.    Good Will Hunting

Oh, this movie is like Gilmore Girls but with dudes.  And I hate Gilmore Girls.  I really want to hate Matt Damon and Ben Affleck for this movie, but instead, I love them both.  I love Matt Damon because he was the best in Eurotrip and I love Ben Affleck because he and Jennifer Garner are the cutest.  And I still would never watch Good Will Hunting.

5.    Deer Hunter/Taxi Driver/Kramer vs. Kramer/Chinatown

There is a whole 1970s and early 1980s oeuvre starring Meryl Streep, Dustin Hoffman and Jack Nicholson that I have absolutely no interest in whatsoever, forever.  Throw in One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest, Midnight Cowboy, and Sophie’s Choice while you’re at it.  All of them are the same.  I hate Dustin Hoffman.  Actually, he doesn’t seem especially hateable as a human being, I just hate every movie of his that I’ve ever seen, and ever movie of his that I haven’t seen.  If I hadn’t seen The Graduate, it would be the #2 movie that I would never see.  As it is, The Graduate is my #2 most-hated movie of all time.  It is a Simon & Garfunkel music video and everything that is insufferable about my parents’ generation in one pointless package.

4.    You’ve Got Mail/Sleepless In Seattle

I really think these two are the same movie.  These movies are the Nickelback of American cinema, and another nail in the artistic coffin of Tom Hanks.  And how did he get that part in Philadelphia anyway?  Of course he won Best Actor playing that role at that time—Mr. Hanky from South Park would have won Best Actor playing that part.  Forrest Gump, on the other hand, he killed.  If I made a list of movies that I wish I could hate, Forrest Gump would be #1.

3.    Passion of the Christ

My #1 most-hated movie of all time is Seven.  I know you were wondering.

2.    Shawshank Redemption

This is one of those movies that everyone says is a powerful, life-changing experience, and so I refuse to watch it.  I am power, and I don’t want my life changed, especially not by a movie with such a stupid name.  The name of the movie is stupid, and on top of that, its cult members just call it “Shawshank,” which makes we want to rip off my ears and eat them.  I have no idea what this movie is even about—prison, maybe?  Why does this movie exist?  I would watch that bad made-for-TV version of It where Pennywise is fat Tim Curry every morning, for twenty years, with relish, before I would watch this.  I won’t watch The Green Mile, either.

1.    The Hannah Montana Movie

Was there ever any doubt?   I would never see this movie.  I hate Miley’s stupid, chipmunk face and I hope she’s making soft-core porn and robbing liquor stores in ten years like Kimberly Drummond from Diff’rent Strokes.  I am excited for her brother that he knocked up London Tipton from Suite Life of Zack and Cody, though.  I think that if Cher had never recorded “Believe,” “The Climb” would be the worst song of all time.


1 Comment »

  1. What a wonderful post, Toogie. And I do not ask you every week if you want to watch The Bodyguard. Also, the Hannah Montana Movie was good. I would watch it again any time. For the Hoedown Throwdown. I know I told you these things yesterday.

    Comment by euregirlsandboys — September 5, 2011 @ 13:14 | Reply

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