Mr. Sensitive

July 20, 2011

Spider In The Shower

Filed under: Uncategorized — lbej @ 16:24

The Dominion placed a spider in my shower yesterday.  It was a very unassuming creature, and I wasn’t certain that it was a spider when I first noticed it ensconced in the furthest corner.  I thought it might be a fly or some sort of caterpillar, but after I blasted it with mildew remover and it made a webby descent in the throes of death, there was no doubt.  Nevertheless, I hope that I impressed it and its handlers with my composure.  I noticed it several minutes into my shower, but I continued on methodically, even going so far as to turn my back to it and shut my eyes while I washed my hair and face.  It simply wouldn’t do for me to go to pieces, especially in view of such a nondescript specimen.  I scolded it while I finished my business, then I killed it hard.  I had some challenging dreams last night, but the spiders don’t need to know about that.  They don’t sleep or dream, so the implications of my noggin’s nocturnal tumult should escape them even if their spies pass along the information.

Spiders in the shower is an act of war.  But there will be no war, not yet.  I cleared them out of the basement again last weekend, after all, and I expected some sort of retaliatory gesture.  That’s all this was, in my view.  One wonders if the Dominion leadership was facing a crisis of confidence after that basement crackdown followed so quickly on the heels of my pond reclamation campaign.  They are badly overmatched now, and they must know it.  That’s not to say I’m prepared to fight them in their own country; I was talking to Reagan just the other day about how important it is to respect their rights in the grassy areas of the yard, and I meant every word that I said.  But within the sovereign territory of the Empire, my artillery advantage is insurmountable.  Last weekend I hit first with the Pulverisateur, coating the stairs with bleach solution and then proceeding to apply a similar treatment to all the crevices and corners of the Apple Floor Room.  After that, I bombed out the room with a fogger and let them die slowly for three hours.  When I came back, I roared out of the garage with the leaf blower, then I followed that up with the bleach-loaded pressure washer on the floors, walls, and doors.  It seems long ago indeed that I was fighting them cardboard-box-to-box with a broken katana and a can of wasp/hornet spray.  I’m planning to sand, repair, and paint the patio doors this weekend, and if they come at me while I’m focused on my painting they will be very sorry, indeed.  If they limit themselves to this one incursion, however, I can abide it.  For now.



  1. That’s so weird Lee… I encountered a shower spider myself this morning (and of course it made me think of you). I rinsed mine down the drain.

    Comment by Lisa Lamb Machi — July 20, 2011 @ 17:04 | Reply

    • A multi-state spider offensive. They’ve probably killed Marcus by now.

      Comment by lbej — July 20, 2011 @ 17:49 | Reply

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