Mr. Sensitive

June 23, 2011

Dear Abby

Filed under: Uncategorized — lbej @ 16:03

Abby Cohen is the most shameless hack in the history of the universe.  Listen to this garbage reported by CNBC:

The recent economic troubles that caused Goldman Sachs to slash its growth outlook are only temporary and unlikely to stand in the way of stock market rally, the firm’s senior investment strategist said.

No one on Wall Street has ever tried less for longer.  Her price target on the S&P 500 is 1450, representing a 12 percent gain from current levels, because that’s her go-to move.  It’s like Kareem’s Sky Hook or Hakeem’s Dream Shake—in the sense that she does it all the time, not in the sense that it works.  What if you predicted that the S&P 500 is going to finish the year up 10-15%, and you did that every year for twenty years, irrespective of the actual S&P 500 earnings and the valuation thereupon implied by your forecast?  And what if you never took responsibility for missing both the direction and magnitude of the change in the S&P, badly, again and again?  And what if you were paid millions of dollars a year, still, and quoted in the financial press like an oracle, still, because your robotic forecast overlapped with the 1990s bull market for a few years?  Why does anyone still listen to you?  Is it because you call yourself Abby Joseph Cohen and people admire the brass it takes to insist on three names?  I think you’re preening more by insisting on three names than just one.  Cher thinks Abby Joseph Cohen is a little full of herself.  You get three names if you are George W. Bush or John Quincy Adams—that is, if someone already claimed the two-name version of your moniker.  Otherwise no.  If I were President of the United States, I would put two related items high on my to-do list:

  • First, I would hire Abby Cohen as my chief economic adviser—she knows as much as any of the rest of them—and refuse to ever use her pretentious third name in any official White House communications, or to permit her to do so.  I bet she would resign as soon as I broke the news.
  • Second, I would invite Joss Whedon to an official state dinner—the more formal, the better—include him in every conversation, and call him Josh as many times as humanly possible.  I actually think he’s immensely talented, unlike Ms. Cohen, but his name is Josh.  If your name is Josh, and you change it to Quincy, more power to you.  If your name is Josh, and you change your name to Joss, your name is still Josh.

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