Mr. Sensitive

May 6, 2010

Battle Of Death Ice – The Unbeatable Combo

Filed under: Basement War — lbej @ 14:30
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Well that’s over.  I misunderstood the nature of the Death Ice.  And then I misunderstood the nature of the material on the inside of the freezer, which I thought might be steel and definitely was not.  I suspect I’m in for something of a dressing-down this evening.

The Death Ice wasn’t ice, as it turns out.  It was a wholly new substance, made of the souls of the damned unless I’m terribly mistaken.  I now believe that I created a new Circle of Hell in my chest freezer, presumably for meat-eaters.  Let’s just call it Deathice then; one word.  It didn’t melt, it didn’t flow, it didn’t chip or break.  I believe it was made of some kind of virulent plague-putty that hadn’t frozen so much as it had gotten bored.  When I went out to make the third drive against it, black flies were swarming inside.  I have never seen anything like them.  It was as though a newly-paved road had risen up and heaved itself through the air in chunks–the flies were black as tar and just as slow.  They paid no attention to me whatsoever, and when I hosed off the Deathice they drowned with that same inattention.

Between the tar-flies and the hell-gelatin I was becoming concerned that I had opened a dimensional portal of some kind.  In retrospect, I should have stopped at that point.  But I decided that it was my portal and I was going to close it.

Katie should stop reading now.

I brought out the gasoline I had obtained to incinerate the meat bits in a quick, contained, controlled burn after they were extracted.  Only they weren’t going to be extracted, at least not by melting in the sun.  Perhaps, I thought, if I poured just a little bit of the gasoline into the freezer and lit it, it would burn up quickly and complete the work of melting the ice (I didn’t realize that it wasn’t melting because it wasn’t ice, not because it wasn’t hot).  So I spilled just a little ‘line into the chest and tossed in a match.

Nothing happened.  But the troops were in the field, and there was no going back.

Stop reading, Katie, I mean it.

I dumped the gasoline into the chest.  And then I soaked a rag in gasoline and tossed it in as well.  Then I threw in a match.

There was a lot of fire.  After less than ten seconds it was clear I had overestimated the fortitude of the freezer itself.  The inferno was clearly going to consume it.  Then I had a moment of terror as I realized I didn’t know how much freon was in the freezer and whether or not it was combustible.  It sounds combustible, doesn’t it?  Thinking about it now I believe freon is a noble gas and is probably not flammable, but I hadn’t researched it, and that was enough to induce panic in that moment.  I grabbed the fire extinguisher I’d brought out with me and unloaded…or I would have, if it hadn’t been unloaded already.  In an example of foresight rare for this afternoon I had purchased a backup fire extinguisher–class B, thankfully–and I ran upstairs to get it.  By that point I was nearly 30 seconds post-combustion and the freezer was making unfortunate noises, snaps and crackles and pops that one prefers to have induced by milk rather than flame.  I doused it with the retardant spray.  Again.  Again.  Again.  Then I shot the ground because it looked suspicious.  It was not my finest hour.

The fire is out, the battle was over, and the freezer is ruined.  I’m unhurt except for being assaulted by the bricks earlier and the cancer I probably have now.  I’m not sure who won: it wasn’t me, it wasn’t the freezer, it wasn’t the Deathice, and it definitely wasn’t the flies.

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7 Comments »

  1. Between the Tar-Flies and the Hell-Gelatin is the name of my new band. And the third volume of my memoirs. Also, dude: three more spiders killed this morning. Four before that, over the previous two days. Shit just got real.

    Comment by M. Eure — May 6, 2010 @ 15:48 | Reply

    • Oh man I was hoping you’d read this post. It’s missing something you maybe can find. There’s a panel in X-Factor Annual #5 that would explain everything. You know the one I mean.

      Comment by lbej — May 6, 2010 @ 16:40 | Reply

  2. I like to think that Satan won this round.

    Comment by Charlotte — May 6, 2010 @ 18:44 | Reply

    • You mean God won? Because God is omnipotent and omniscient and must therefore know, empower, permit, and implicitly or explicitly endorse and ordain everything done by this Satan fellow. No wait, that’s not right. My bad. The flies won. I just looked and they’re still down there.

      Comment by lbej — May 6, 2010 @ 20:10 | Reply

      • Oh, no, I don’t mean Satan from the Bible. I mean the fantasy Satan who likes heavy metal and burning flesh.
        But yeah, sounds like the flies won in reality.

        Comment by Charlotte — May 7, 2010 @ 14:11

      • I meant Satan the Bruins hockey player. I don’t know if he’s a metal fan or not. Seems like the Eastern Europeans do go for that sort of thing.

        Comment by lbej — May 7, 2010 @ 15:25


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