Mr. Sensitive

April 22, 2010

Full Text Of The Emperor’s Remarks To The Spiders

Filed under: House,Stuff I Just Wanted To Say — lbej @ 20:36

O Great Spiders of Pfaff,

I come before you today to address a predicament that I have by my majestic exertions caused to come into being.  That situation is well known to us all, but for the sake of posterity and your tiny brains I shall recall it again.  I speak of course of the many and several of your kin whom I have just now slaughtered on this porch.  Oh snap, I did just say that.

I acknowledge that the prerogatives and constraints of sovereignty as we separately understand them have not been articulated as clearly as should perhaps have been done.  No doubt you will agree that we must both accept blame for this failure of diplomatic precision.  Of course you may conclude that you have suffered disproportionately given our shared responsibility, considering that you are dead and I am not.  Please believe that I am sensitive to your concerns, and please continue to maintain that belief in spite of the repeated killing of you that I am still doing right now at the same time I am fake apologizing.

As you know, I recently defeated my job, and so I have taken it upon myself to bring about the restoration of the ancient glory of my Empire.  Today I have turned my gaze upon the porch.  My gaze, and also some all-purpose cleaning solution, and a broom, and spider poison.  I think that if you were not dead, you would agree that the porch is much more presentable now.  Perhaps you are looking down from Spider Heaven and you are taking solace in its improved appearance.  Alas, Spider Heaven would have no spiders, naturally, and thus Spider Heaven is completely empty, and you have all been blasted back into the teeming hell from which you skittered at birth.  You’ll just have to take my word for it—the porch looks better.

So it may be that you believe I have breached the treaty of non-aggression keeping the peace between us, and now I must inform you that I will be painting the porch tomorrow and any of you that are still left will die a horrible acrylic death.  And you are no doubt also insulted by the tone of my speech to you this afternoon, or at least I hope you are because otherwise you haven’t been paying attention, and I really hate that.  What, then, is to be done?  How can so profound a grief be assuaged?   With moths, of course.  Fat, juicy moths.

The home improvement thing is happening, my tiny monster friends.  The porch thing is happening.  But perhaps you have noticed the porch lights.  Or should I say, the porch light.  One of the two lights has been burned out for some time.  This has undoubtedly reduced the moth density of the porch area.  I am willing to help you to reduce the delicious moth deficit by replacing the second light bulb.  Furthermore, I will commit now to replacing either bulb in a timely manner futurewise, unless I forget or have something else I’d rather do, including nothing.  At any rate, I will yield the porch to you once again after my labors are complete.

I encourage you to accept my offer of an additional porch light and succulent moth action such as may follow.  In addition, if you would like to sit in the bushes to either side of the porch and give me dirty looks I will accept them with graceful resignation.  If you come in the house I will burn you.

Please accept my most sincere-sounding apologies.  I look forward to meeting with you if I am ever sent to a hell dimension where there are worse things than spiders.

I Hate You All,

The Emperor



  1. Dude, I hope your sweeping and admirable victory in the basement doesn’t give you too much confidence. We all know where that road led Palpatine.
    It’s one thing to battle on your turf and in an enclosed space – especially given that the battle generally honored existing conventions. But to tread the threshold between territories, and to offer such flagrant sarcasm to the spiders… All I’m saying is this: you’ll win the war. I believe that you’d go to whatever lengths necessary to ensure that the entire empire was untouched by a single spider. If it meant a perpetual wall of flames, some sort of forcefield, the presence of thousands of spider-eating animals, whatever. In the end, you’ll emerge victorious.
    But at what cost? Just one Black Widow could hospitalize a family member, and they’ve shown that dozens were occupying the basement. If you insult the spider kingdom overtly, however much their wretchedness might deserve it, then you may inspire fanaticism. And kamikaze spiders would be terrible. They could throw thousands of bodies at you.
    Just saying. Keep up the good work.

    Comment by Justin — April 24, 2010 @ 05:29 | Reply

    • You don’t understand them as I do. They are are a very pragmatic lot in the end. They fought as they did in the basement because there was nowhere for that group of spiders to go. They understood the stakes then and they understand the stakes now. The extra porch light is a good offer, and they did occupy the porch prematurely. They also know how the Emperor do. He likes to talk, and really they just want some delicious insects. It’ll work out in the end. Operation Lilypad is another story.

      Comment by lbej — April 24, 2010 @ 07:44 | Reply

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