Mr. Sensitive

April 16, 2010

Pet Nasty War

Filed under: Pet Nasty War,Pets — lbej @ 08:41

The animal situation in the house has become untenable.  Protestations and admonitions having failed, I have made a formal declaration of war against pet nasty at 7:14 this morning.  War aims are as follows:

  1. Pets shall stop urinating in the house;
  2. Pets shall stop defecating in the house;
  3. Pets shall stop destroying property in the house;
  4. Pets shall show some goddamn respect for those that sit higher on the food chain than they.

I shall call this the War on Nasty and Unacceptable Pet Behaviors, Pet Nasty War for short.

Casus belli include but are not limited to the following:

  • Wilson pees in the house every day despite spending most of the time outside and knowing perfectly well that he is not supposed to eliminate in the house.  He has destroyed all of the rugs on the second floor of the house in a systematic and prejudicial fashion, with the hall and master bedroom rugs having been targeted for particular degradation.
  • Wilson poops on items of clothing in Reagan’s room.  I have identified this as a separate problem because of its special insanity.  He only does this in Reagan’s room, and generally only if Reagan leaves any clothes on the floor.  I conclude, therefore, that it has nothing to do with any need to relieve himself and is rather an unfortunate derangement.
  • Wilson physically and carnally assaults any stuffed animals he can get his lunatic paws on.  I am not making this up.  He disembowels the stuffed animals, mutilates their faces, and, um, has his way with them.  Yes, Wilson is neutered and so, yes, it does not make any sense what he is doing.  This a problem because of the property destruction and also because it results in stuffing being strewn throughout the house.
  • The cats (one? both?) have designated the study, where their litter box is located, as a litter room.  No additional explanation of this point should be required, other than to say that I most certainly did not assent to such a feline nasty annexation.
  • The fat cat climbs up the outside door frame and appears in the window when she wants to come in the house.   She uses her terrible claws to gain a purchase on the door, and I could not have done with a knife what Fat One has done with her own natural self.  She is also very loud and I can hear her if she wants in, so it is not necessary for her to summit the door in this way.
  • The hamsters kick the bedding out of their cages.  It sounds silly but they seriously eject the stuff all over Jenny’s room.

This war has two principal complications I did not face in the Basement War.

  • I cannot kill the enemy.  I would, in fact, prefer not even to restrict the movement of the pets within and outside of the house to any greater degree than is absolutely necessary.  That is both because they are my beloved pets and not monstrous spiders and because it would be a big pain for me.  Plus it is nearly impossible to keep the cats out of any place they decide they need to go.
  • The battlefield is the house itself, and so the business of everyday life cannot be easily separated from the business of prosecuting the war.  This also means that Katie, Jenny, and Reagan must participate.  As a consequence I am creating La Grande Armée of the Empire to replace the Basement Expeditionary Force, the command structure that was in place during the most recent war.  An infantry presence will, as always, be essential to the projection of power, but artillery, which served so central a function in the Basement War, will be almost useless.  I have not, however, ruled out hiding in the bushes and shooting Lulu with a watergun when she tries to scale the door.  At any rate, I believe that I will require military engineers and counter-insurgency troops this time around.  Counterintelligence will also be vital, as I may be able to use the mutual hatred the animals all feel towards each other to my advantage.  Even Hitler and Stalin could cooperate, you say.  Well, I promise you that Lulu and Wilson can not.

It is now down to me to distill a governing strategy from the goals and limitations I have described.



  1. I prefer to ignore the animals as much as possible. Does that work with your plan?

    Comment by Katie — April 16, 2010 @ 15:11 | Reply

    • Alas, not quite. You don’t need to touch them any more than usual, but we’re all going to have to be more vigilant and mindful of what the animals are doing. Ignoring them is part of what has gotten us into this predicament. Besides, I plan to harness your dislike of them to further my cause.

      Comment by lbej — April 16, 2010 @ 15:20 | Reply

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