Mr. Sensitive

April 14, 2010

History Of The Basement War – The War Itself

Filed under: Basement War — lbej @ 11:34

Timeline of the War

Note that the four major theaters of the war are as follows: Stairs (link between house and basement, includes disembarking area connecting parts of the basement); Katie’s Side of the Garage (KS Garage); My Side of the Garage (MS Garage, including the storage space under the Stairs); and the Unfinished Room (UR).

January – February 2010.  Unusually and persistently cold winter directly and indirectly kills an estimated 75% of the basement spider population.  Die-off would have been more complete if the spiders had not had more than 40 empty or partially filled cardboard boxes and more than 30 bags of trash in which to take shelter.  During this time imperial resources directed primarily towards implementation of Points I and II.  As a consequence, however, huge amounts of trash are gathered in the process of cleaning the house, and the bags are stored in Katie’s Side (KS) of the Garage.  Population of trash bags available to the spiders in KS Garage and the Unfinished Room (UR) doubles to nearly 60 by the end of February.  The Imperial General Staff decides to delay the invasion of the basement until the beginning of Spring; it is expected that there will be a window of several weeks during which temperatures will be tolerable for imperial troops but the basement spiders will be unable to replenish their numbers from internal and external sources.

Early March 2010. The number of trash bags in KS Garage peaks at the end of February.  With recycling processes enhanced and major housecleaning operations complete, weekly trash production falls to well below the amount that is collected by the city.  The ongoing excess removal capacity is used to systematically eliminate bags and other waste items from the basement.

March 5. City garbage collection.  First round of weekly reductions in the number of bags and boxes in KS Garage and elsewhere in the basement.

March 12. Second round of weekly reductions in basement trash.

March 19. Third round of weekly reductions in basement trash.

March 20. Invasion date of March 22 set.  Artillery buildup is completed.

March 21. Trip to the zoo.  Creation of the Basement Expeditionary Force (BEF) on the eve of the invasion.

March 22. Stairs are cleared and disinfected.  This allows the kitchen to serve as a staging area for artillery and infantry and provides a barrier to enemy counterattack into the house.

March 23-25. Battle Under Stairs in MS Garage.  Steady progress is made on the opening day until the enemy launches the first two of his black widow spiders.  BEF thrown back in disarray.  Rearguard actions taken, but two days will be required before the initiative is recovered.  Massive artillery bombardment and valiant infantry charge on 3/25 leads to victory in the Battle Under Stairs and capture of all major MS Garage objectives.  Three widows are destroyed in the battle.

March 26. Fourth round of weekly reductions in basement trash.  Fewer than 30 bags now remain.

March 27 – 28. Weekend; better things to do.

March 29-31. Battle of Cardboard Mountain begins.  Major offensive in the Unfinished Room aimed at the destruction of enemy cardboard fortifications.  Heaviest fighting borne by the infantry, in particular the elite Katana Corps.  Stalingrad-esque rubble created by the battle leads to vicious shredded pile-to-shredded pile fighting.  Convoys bring huge quantities of cardboard out of the basement to be carved up and recycled, steadily depleting the enemy’s irreplaceable materiel.  By the third day a major salient is created, penetrating the enemy lines to the patio door in the rear of the UR.

April 1. Huge offensive, except—wait for it—April Fools!  Spiders not amused.

April 2. Victory in the Battle of Cardboard Mountain.  Two-pronged offensive into KS Garage and UR catches the enemy completely unawares.  All cardboard boxes are destroyed, depriving the enemy of his most formidable defense against airborne artillery fire.  In addition, the Unfinished Room is swept clean and its Plumbed Area is emptied for the first time in nearly a decade.  Its fortresses unroofed and its lines of communication and supply severed, the spider government collapses in the Unfinished Room.  Separately, excess trash from KS Garage is collected for the fifth consecutive week.

April 3. Imperial auxiliaries evacuate two loads of trash bags from KS Garage to the city landfill.  Spider reserves now number fewer than 15 bags.

April 4. Rabbit Day.  No action.

April 5-6. Battle of KS Garage begins in earnest, with bag-by-bag action against the dreaded black widow divisions of the spider army.  Seven widows are annihilated in the opening day of the war’s decisive engagement, with an eighth falling the following day.

April 7-8. Unprecedented buildup of artillery and manpower feels nonetheless a lot like interminable waiting.

April 9. Crushing offensive follows weekly city garbage collection.  Bag removal and disruption operations combined with heavy aerial bombardment brings down several widows, and still more are destroyed in combat.  KS Garage cleared and swept, imperial forces win through to absolute victory.  Instrument of spider surrender formally executed in the driveway at 3:40 p.m., bringing the Basement War to an end.


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