Mr. Sensitive

April 12, 2010

History Of The Basement War – What Came Before

Filed under: Basement War,Me Myself and I — lbej @ 12:29

I have promised a more comprehensive account of the Basement War and how it was won, and it is time I deliver.  Some background is in order.

2007 – 2009 are especially dark times in the Kingdom of Pfaff.  Much that once was is lost.  The house is damaged and neglected, the basement is abandoned to the spiders.  Areas under the de facto control of the king dwindle as his strength and will are depleted.  An important and long-sought victory over the forces of C2H6O is finally won in March 2009 and the Pfaff kingdom begins to coalesce again.  The war against Professional Success continues through the end of 2009.

On January 4, 2010, eleven years of war against Professional Success come to an end with Success finally defeated.  The Pfaff Empire is declared, encompassing on a de jure basis all the territory transferred to the imperial family in the historic land grant of October 2000.  Devastation is all around.  The Emperor promulgates a five-point program to restore the glory of the Empire.

I.     Living spaces shall be made fully useable and free of refuse and clutter. This will require both an extraordinary initial effort and a sustainable ongoing effort.
II.     All damage shall be repaired without regard to its cause.
III.     Improvements shall be made such as are practical (not purely ornamental) and cost-effective, to include at a minimum replacement of carpets which are beyond rehabilitation.
IV.     The unfinished territories, principally the basement/garage space, shall be reconquered and reassimilated.
V.     A final disposition of the external territories, including the front yard, back yard, and driveway, shall be agreed among legitimate claimants including humans, arachnids, insects, dogs, cats, frogs, fish, and birds.  The critical questions of sovereignty and administration shall be resolved.

The Emperor realizes that the Five Points cannot be achieved in isolation, one after the other, but can be achieved through a series of initiatives undertaken over time.  The desolation of three years or more cannot reasonably be reversed in three weeks or even three months.  Most plans crafted to implement the Five Points have been and will be building and reclamation projects rather than armed conflicts.  But Point IV specifically mentions conquest, and so by its formulation implies the prosecution of a war.  The story of that war, the Basement War, can now be told.



  1. So you’re emperor now? And I’m empress?

    Comment by Katie — April 12, 2010 @ 15:52 | Reply

    • I guess so. More like empress consort, like Prince Philip, the Queen’s husband. The way it works is that if I’m killed by the spiders Jenny would become monarch, although she would be a reigning rather than a ruling monarch given her age. You would be imperial regent until she was of age and could rule the Empire in her own right.

      Comment by lbej — April 12, 2010 @ 17:58 | Reply

      • Whatever.

        Comment by Katie — April 12, 2010 @ 17:59

      • You snooze, you lose. I founded the Empire so I am the ruler. Everybody knows you’re really in charge any way, so don’t be a spoil-sport.

        Comment by lbej — April 12, 2010 @ 18:03

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